Holiday Tunes Can Have Some Pretty Puzzling Lyrics

The holiday season is officially underway. Some will argue it began when stores put up their Christmas displays before Halloween but as far as I’m concerned, the official start is December 1. And what better way to catch the holiday spirit than by immersing yourself in the music of the season. Whether running errands, driving kids to activities or shopping for presents, I enjoy keeping the radio tuned to those stations that feature the “sounds of the season” to put me in the holiday mood.

However, I can’t help but notice that when you listen to the same holiday tunes over and over, you start to really pay attention to the lyrics and wonder just what these songwriters were thinking when they composed these Christmas “classics”. Let’s start with “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”. This song, dating back to 16th century England, is all well and good in wishing the recipient a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. The singers even bring “good tidings to you and your kin”. It’s not till the second verse where things get weird. “Oh bring us some figgy pudding…” So apparently the good tidings come at a price and that price is a concoction of figs, butter, sugar, eggs milk, apple, rum, lemon and orange peel, nuts, cinnamon, cloves and ginger. Don’t come to my house demanding this dish because I don’t stock half of those ingredients in my pantry. The third verse is truly ominous: “We won’t leave until we get some.” Presumably by this point you’ve innocently let these well-wishers into your home only to be held hostage until the aforementioned figgy pudding is produced. My advice when you see these carolers coming? Lock the door and shut off the lights.

Moving on to “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. If my true love started things off by giving me a pear tree which a partridge in residence I’d probably think he was overestimating my gardening skills. And what makes him think I’m ready to take on a pet? Does it live in the tree permanently or do I have to buy a cage for it and bring it in the house? This gift is then followed by two Turtle Doves, three French hens and four calling (or “colly”) birds. Okay, we’re four days into this thing and I’ve accumulated ten birds I need to keep alive? When the five golden rings show up, it appears this relationship is back on track. Perhaps if I sell four of the five rings, I can get enough cash to buy birdseed. But just then my true love, who is starting to seem like “Mr. Wrong”, produces six geese-a-laying and seven swans a-swimming. We’re up to 23 birds and suddenly my house is an aviary. At this point my idiot boyfriend (no longer my “true love”) thinks it’s a great idea to bring eight maids and nine ladies into the relationship. I don’t care if they’re a-milking or dancing, this has suddenly become an episode of “Big Love”. By the end of the 12 days, it’s a safe bet I’ll kick my true love to the curb and run off with one of the twelve drummers. Because everyone knows that drummers get all the chicks.

“Winter Wonderland” sounds innocent enough, till you get to the verse, “In the meadow we can build a snowman…and pretend that he is Parson Brown…” Ahem. If you think getting married by a snowman is legally binding in any state, think again. I can guarantee that anyone who believes Frosty’s ability to validate a marriage can expect an IRS audit when filing jointly the following April. And forget about bringing Mr. Snowman in for the audit, because in the next verse the kiddies knock him down.

Does anyone else think it’s creepy that some kid saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? It’s a bit weird, especially when he says, “I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus, underneath his beard so snowy white…” Um…gross? The kid then goes on to say “What a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.” I’m thinking Daddy might have been indicted for manslaughter if he caught his wife tickling some old fat guy under his beard, though a good lawyer could get it reduced to a lesser charge.

By Christmas Eve I’m so ready for the true carols that celebrate Christ’s birth: “O Holy Night”, “Joy to the World”, “Silent Night” and the like. There’s nothing I love more than celebrating that night with those reverent, holy classics. But that’s a few weeks off, so in the meantime I’ll enjoy my new favorite holiday song: “Candlelight” by the Jewish a cappella group, the Maccabeats. This song not only tells the tale of the Maccabees warding off the Greeks, it celebrates many of the traditions of Chanukah, all to the tune of the popular song “Dynamite”. The chorus is my favorite: “I flip my latkes in the air sometimes saying ayy-ohh, spin the dreidel…
Just wanna celebrate for all eight nights singing ayy-oh, light the candles.”

Beats the heck out of figgy pudding.