Election Season has been none too pleasin'

The phrase, “Out of the mouths of babes…” intimates that innocent children can often make some of the wisest observations.  I think I can speak for everyone when I say that little four-year-old Abigael Evans, star of her own viral video, is voicing a sentiment with which most of us would agree:

“I’m tired of Bronco Bamma and Mitt Romney.”

Yes Abigael, I too am tired of Barack Obama and Mitt Romney.  I’m also tired of Scott Brown and Elizabeth Warren.  When I sit down to watch “Modern Family” or “Survivor”, I don’t want to see six or eight political commercials back to back. I’d rather watch a stuffed fish sing, “Gimme back my filet-o-fish…” than hear people arguing about whether or not Elizabeth Warren fought for or against asbestos victims.  I’d rather see obnoxious ducks screaming “Aflac!” than listen to Laurie Myers’ drone on about Scott Brown’s support of women’s rights for the millionth time. 

I’m sick of all the backbiting and finger pointing and name-calling.  I’m exhausted from watching debates where the candidates can’t answer a simple question about where they stand on the environment, taxes or health care without using up most of their two minutes insulting the reputation of their opponents. 

My phone rings off the hook with recorded messages from candidates who don’t care whether they interrupt my dinner or my sleep.  The only call I actually listened to was from Matt Damon, who urged me to vote for his candidate and offered a lift to the polls if I needed one.  Great idea Matt, let’s pick up your buddy Ben Affleck and swing by The Fours for a couple of pops on our way to the polls!  

My mail has been flooded with postcards praising some candidates while demonizing others. Some days, I’d receive three or four mailers for the same candidate.  Just imagine if that money was actually spent on the issues these candidates support, rather than cluttering up my mailbox and my recycle bin.

The election is ending just in time.  Now I can focus on all the Christmas catalogs cluttering up my mailbox and recycle bin.

If possible, the Internet is even worse than the mail or the television.  The sidebar of my Facebook page carries all kinds of political endorsements.  Let’s face it; if I haven’t “liked” a candidate by now, I’m not going to.  My children, who enjoy watching stupid YouTube videos, are getting frustrated by all the political ads that have to run before they can watch Psy’s latest version of “Gangnam Style” or the newest installment of “How it Should Have Ended”.  My eleven year old summed it up perfectly: “Mom, people who want to look at cat videos on the Internet don’t really care about Elizabeth Warren or Scott Brown”.  Again, out of the mouths of babes…

My only consolation is that by the time this column goes to press, the elections will be over.  My mailbox will be clear, political spots will be replaced with holiday commercials and the only computers calling my house will be those asking me if I’d like to lower the interest rate on my credit cards.  Life as we know it will resume.

Unless, of course, something the election results are delayed.  After all, what will happen to those voters in the tri-state area who are still without power?  What if there are hanging chads again?  What if the election is so close there needs to be a recount?  What if…gulp…this election goes on for several more weeks?

If that happens, Abigael Evans better move over and share the spotlight with another crying baby.

Me.