A Picture that's Far from Perfect

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It’s that time of year again.  The air is cold and crisp, tinged with just a hint of wood smoke.  The days are a collage of vivid blue skies blended with leaves in hues of red, orange and gold.  As autumn ticks by, parents and children alike will carefully select getups for that one frightening day that can result in grown men and women squealing with terror. 

Brace yourselves.  It’s school picture day.

As a parent, I should love school picture day.  Though I take hundreds of candid photos of my children, picture day is my one opportunity for a professional photographer to take a portrait that is the embodiment of that school school year.  In years to come, I’ll be able to look back at these school photos and reminisce, “Awww.  He looked so sweet in 5^th grade.”

That’s the fantasy.  The reality was that in 5^th grade, my son’s school portrait looked like an ID photo for a 40-year old software developer. I sent the photos back and opted for the retake day.  Unbelievably, the make-up photo was even worse.  The photographer, compensating for the glare on my son’s glasses, had him tilt his head at an angle that gave him a double chin and made him look like a hippo.  I ended up demanding my money back and submitting my own photo to the yearbook. I understand that there are hundreds of children to shoot in a limited amount of time, but in this digital age, there’s no excuse for pictures that make children look like safari animals.

Of course, the photographer isn’t always to blame.  In kindergarten, my younger son forgot to turn in his picture money.  While other families received class photos and portraits, we had to wait for the retake day.  Prior to the make-up day, I picked up my son from school when another mother stopped me and said,  “You’re Cooper’s mom?” She burst into giggles and confided, “My husband and I were laughing so hard over the class picture last night.”   I explained that we had missed the first round of pictures and hadn’t received a class photo yet. “You mean you haven’t seen it?  Oh, I’ll make a copy for you.”  Making good on her promise, I received a copy of the kindergarten class photo. My son was smack in the center of the group, eyes shut tight with his tongue sticking out.  “Why did you do that?” I wailed. He shrugged his shoulders and simply replied, “I don’t know.” In an unrelated conversation with the school principal, I hesitantly asked if she had seen that particular class photo.  With a sigh she replied, “Yes, and we’re planning to re-do that class picture on the retake day.”  That year, Mrs. Brown’s kindergarten class had the distinction of providing families with two class pictures.  But only one of them was suitable for framing, thanks to my son.

The school picture process has changed drastically over the years.  In my day, a photographer in Sansabelt pants and a shiny shirt would place everyone on the same stool, in front of the same backdrop and comb everyone’s hair over their foreheads with the same icky comb. Flash forward to today, when kids can choose from over a hundred and fifty different backgrounds, including the Brooklyn Bridge, snowy fields, a Japanese pagoda, the Las Vegas strip, and even outer space.  My son chose “Dark Matter”, a galactic background that makes him look like he’s about to be sucked into a black hole. Still, I consider it a better alternative to the one that evokes the phrase “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”.  How many grandparents will receive a school portrait of their grandchild in front of the Golden Gate Bridge and wonder, “When did they go to San Francisco?”

Then there’s the “package” selection.  How many 8X10’s, 5X7’s and wallet photos do we really need?  Judging by the number of leftover photos from years past, the answer is “not that many”.  That doesn’t include the trading cards, calendars, mouse pads, beverage cups and dog tags that are also offered.  Dog tags?  Who knew that dogs even wanted to wear pictures of their owners?

Thankfully, both kids are over this year’s picture day hump.  Though I’ve yet to see the results, I’m crossing my fingers that both sets of photos are acceptable, thereby avoiding the dreaded retake day.  I don’t think I can handle this process twice in one year.

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, but I can sum up school picture day in just one: Oy!